we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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