remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
