My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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