dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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