I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
