do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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