Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
