my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
