my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
