My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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