i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
