so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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