my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
