Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
