that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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