I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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