i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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