I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
