The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
