The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
