I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
