I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
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Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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