Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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