The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
