Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
