eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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