Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
