can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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