I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
