I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
