I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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