If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
