well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
