4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
