so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
