Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
