is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
