you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
