i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
