K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
