Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
