You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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