You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
