Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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