In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
