So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
