Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
