I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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