I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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