I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
