No, drunk sperm still make babies.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
