Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
