hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
