he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
