Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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