that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
