When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
