I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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