one word: firstdatebathroomanal
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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