So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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