I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
